GIRLS UPDATE 5.02
posted by Jesus Ali @ 12:20:00 AM
A sometimes used blog of Visual Art MFA student, Jesus Ali. This blog discusses art exhibition projects and ongoing work.
For more hot Jesus Blogging action please see my far more often used mySpace site: www.myspace.com/jesusali
1 Comments:
At Wednesday, May 3, 2006 at 5:24:00 PM CDT,
Anonymous said…
comments on pdf:
joanna:
i think the end is a bit predictable and not as interesting as leaving your "goal" unstated. doing this project in effect states your "goal" - narratizing failed relationships in the hopes of making some sense of them - so to restate doesn't add much, and sort of trivializes the end. i still think ending with "happy and bored" is the more powerful ending.
julia:
generally good focus of narrative; no extraneous material. your description of yourself in pp 2 is a bit confused grammatically/stylistically. perhaps "21-year-old, square momma's boy of a self to handle."
"rocky relationship" is a bit of a tired expression. i don't know if you want to use it because it is already pretty well meaningless, or if you want something a bit more specific. or not at all.
next-to-last pp: "sober, i could never again display the same drug-induced confidence..." (hyphen). i think you might can leave out the drug-induced part, or maybe find another word. or leave it be, but it also seems a bit tired.
final pp: not sure that you are passive towards women. this project is certainly not passive. perhaps passive-agressive? or just leave that sentence out. I don't think it works.
jessica:
too damn long, type too small. must edit.
wouldn't repeat the "kind of stupid" phrase, and would tighten pp 3, probably leave out the "slutty girl" comment - distracted by more aggressively flirty girl, feeling paternal, feeling the power imbalance.
edit pp 4. not needed.
pp 5 - in fact is two words. you have "infact."
tighten pp6 and 7; the puking heart is potentially powerful, but with the Paxil Drunk reference, it is a bit confusing at first. "cheer myself up" not "cheer me up" in this context.
alisa:
as stated before, i think the Picasso pp needs to be edited.
anna:
like this one a lot. no apostrophe in "trade-offs."
jessica:
is this one from the hotcakes show? not sure about the modifier "generally" conflicted and unsatisfied. can you eliminate? how would you feel about joining the two sentences: "I think she saw me as a thread, a risk: a possible limit to her developing the life that she wanted to live." in any event, the semicolon is not correct. you can have a comma, or a colon. the comma adds to risk and threat, the colon specifies the risk and threat.
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